Worried about T

11 Oct

I’m exhausted from stressing out about a million things, one of which being T and transitioning. My voice is continuing to change, drop and squeek (especially when I sing), while my facial fuzz is becoming more and more obvious to others. I’ve contemplated shaving, depilatory cream and growing it out – haven’t decided on which though. I don’t bind anymore even though I would like to, the main reason being because I would like a non-surgical flat chest, but headaches and being uncomfortable aren’t not worth it. I saw my counsellor yesterday who asked how I would feel if by next summer I couldn’t pass as female anymore. I’ve not been thinking that far along, assuming it would all be ok or that I wouldn’t need to think about it. But I guess that raises the question of how far is too far?

I am still on half a dose of T and I was planning on staying on half-a-dose for as long as I wanted. Now however I don’t know how long that will be or if it’s bad for me to stay on such a low does – does it cause more problems rather than a full dose? Also, what if I need to go on a full-dose and my voice suddenly makes it’s final drop and I start growing more facial hair than I already am! I know I am not ready to come out to my work and/or family. My family is still in semi-denial and I am not that enthusiastic repeating what I want from T and that I will be changing more physically!

After my chat with the counsellor I realize that I am trying to sweep it all aside, taking T but ignoring how other people might be starting to see me, ignoring the possible questions of am I a girl or a freak. I am now worried about my health (weight, cholesterol, risk of cancer and heart disease as well as stroke). I am also aware that my anxiety gets a little more pronounced when I am close to my shot-date (when I am due for my T injection) – I will monitor this for another month or so and see how I go. All these things I will chat to my doctor about as well as reaching out to others who may be on a low-dose and are not wanting to transition as such.

There’s probably more but I am at work and I cannot concentrate.

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