I’m exhausted from stressing out about a million things, one of which being T and transitioning. My voice is continuing to change, drop and squeek (especially when I sing), while my facial fuzz is becoming more and more obvious to others. I’ve contemplated shaving, depilatory cream and growing it out – haven’t decided on which though. I don’t bind anymore even though I would like to, the main reason being because I would like a non-surgical flat chest, but headaches and being uncomfortable aren’t not worth it. I saw my counsellor yesterday who asked how I would feel if by next summer I couldn’t pass as female anymore. I’ve not been thinking that far along, assuming it would all be ok or that I wouldn’t need to think about it. But I guess that raises the question of how far is too far?
I am still on half a dose of T and I was planning on staying on half-a-dose for as long as I wanted. Now however I don’t know how long that will be or if it’s bad for me to stay on such a low does – does it cause more problems rather than a full dose? Also, what if I need to go on a full-dose and my voice suddenly makes it’s final drop and I start growing more facial hair than I already am! I know I am not ready to come out to my work and/or family. My family is still in semi-denial and I am not that enthusiastic repeating what I want from T and that I will be changing more physically!
After my chat with the counsellor I realize that I am trying to sweep it all aside, taking T but ignoring how other people might be starting to see me, ignoring the possible questions of am I a girl or a freak. I am now worried about my health (weight, cholesterol, risk of cancer and heart disease as well as stroke). I am also aware that my anxiety gets a little more pronounced when I am close to my shot-date (when I am due for my T injection) – I will monitor this for another month or so and see how I go. All these things I will chat to my doctor about as well as reaching out to others who may be on a low-dose and are not wanting to transition as such.
There’s probably more but I am at work and I cannot concentrate.
In some ways I’m reminded on when I first started to really present as a woman and because I’d had a lifetime of learning that such a thing was entirely socially unacceptable it freaked me the fuck out. It took me a long time to unlearn what I wasn’t allowed to do (and that process hasn’t finished yet by a long shot). That’s not a direct parallel by any means and doesn’t begin to address everything you’ve spoken about there but you’re starting to publicly push your comfort zone with regards to how you present yourself and declare who you are. That will take time to come to grips with. Also, hormonal flux is weird as hell although my own experience with a sudden surge of T levels is long enough ago that I don’t remember it that well 🙂
Is there a reason why you wouldn’t be able to continue to live with a low dose? Plenty of men live with naturally low levels of T.
The important people will still love you just because you’re lovable. Trite but true. Rock out with your freaky bad self.