Not out at work

26 Sep

I am starting to loose count of how many months it’s been, how many shots I’ve had and where I am on my journey. I know I am no longer trying to ‘reach’ anywhere, I am simply travelling along and seeing where I go, where it all takes me.

I had another psych appointment on the weekend and it was very much like the last, a chat and update about where I am at. I am still stuck in ‘girl’ mode at work and I feel I am getting closer to being an ‘in-between’ (neither male or female and confusing everyone I am around, and not in a good way). I don’t mind feeling like either or when I am outside or at events, but at work I can feel some people looking at me and wondering what is it that’s different. How will they take my voice that’s dropping after each shot? Already some girls from sports have commented on it and I was able to shrug it off. What about my facial hair? The psych and a few others noticed that and it’s not something I am trying to hide. For now it’s either fuzz and approved by trans* friends or seen as facial hair on a female. What if one day I want to grow it and I am still seen as a female at work? None of this was discussed during my psych appointment, but something I will bring to my next counselling session.

I’ve stopped binding. I am not sure why as I am still self-conscious about my chest and I try to minimize it with sports tops and small crop tops. I used to bind because it made me feel good (and it still does but the feeling of not being able to breath makes me anxious). I also used to bind to be seen as more masculine, which the T is now helping with blurring that line. I do however want to find another binder that isn’t as tight at the other one – my current binder is a triple compression >.<

I still feel a little isolated, not quite fitting into the FTM category and not having as many genderqueer friends who aren’t trying to look like guys and wanting chest surgery. Still Genderqueer Australia is a huge support and there are some awesome people that are always there to listen and share stuff with – thank you!

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