Honesty and friends

8 Aug

Last Friday I had a great coffee/hot-chocolate catch-up with another genderqueer> We chatted a lot about “stuff” but also covered some of the things floating around my head – T, muscle cramps, telling family, moods, walking the line between trans* and genderqueer. I am finding more and more that I am bumping my head against the invisible trans* line that I am trying hard not to overstep, but at the same time I am curious about and perhaps want to dabble in. On my side of the line is a low dose of T, looking more androgynous, a deeper voice and loosing some of my femininity but retaining it enough to possibly confuse people. On the other side of the line, that’s ebbing towards trans*, is increasing my T dose, facial hair, turning into a “man” and loosing my ability to be “me” (whatever that means). I found that this line is something that a few genderqueers talk about. How far are you willing to go with your transition? Are you really transitioning if you’re not attempting to reach an end result per se? One of the big things holding me back from crossing ‘the line’ is telling family and other people, one of which would be work.

Later that day I got my blood test results back from the endo, all of which were fine except my thyroid levels which were quite low (I guess that explains my sore muscles and tiredness – or does it?). The rest of my results showed that my testosterone levels are in the low range for a guy, which means I am quite happy staying on half-a-dose of T for the time being. I want my thyroid/tiredness/muscle cramps to settle a little bit more before I consider a full dose of T (and possibly kick starting more facial hair, voice change and ramping up my sex drive). At present I am happy where I am, even though I am one-week past my shot-date. My random chin hairs are growing and spreading and my upper-lip is developing a darker fuzz that indicates my body is liking the T. My voice has stabilized again, a bit of huskiness every now and again, but no real change. I got cranky a couple of weeks ago and caused a minor upset between my partner and I. I strongly doubt it is roid-rage but it’s showing me that my fuse is a little shorter and that I am needing to listen to my body when I am cranky and tired – do not interact with people!

Although I’ve told a few people about starting T there are quite a few who don’t know, including trans friends and family. Part of me is waiting to see what I am wanting from all of this, scared of what some of my trans friends will say at me taking T for a genderqueer purpose rather than to transition. Other friends who do know have either been super nice and curious or completely silent and distant. One of the first friends I told has been so quiet and distant that I think it’s the start of the end of the friendship (either that or their r’ship has swallowed them whole!). I still cannot tell my closest family member due to them not understanding genderqueer and possibly being concerned about taking medication that is ‘unnecessary’. At the same time however I hate not being open and honest with them…

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