Tomorrow

31 May

At four o’clock tomorrow afternoon I am booked into have my first injection of ‘T’. The box of three syringes sits on my shelf after purchasing them next week. I will be starting off with half a dose, 125mg at three-week intervals. At first when I got my script I was no longer sure what I actually wanted and posted frantically on the FTM discussions group about my worries. After almost a month I’ve settled a little knowing I won’t turn into the Hulk and have the option if stopping at any time. I think I was ready to start until I found a new set of hurdles – another genderqueer.

I caught up with someone that I met online and face-to-face over coffee last week. It was so great to talk to someone else who identifies as GQ and hear their story. It made me really think about the GQ identity and how I don’t want to vanish into trans* – but how do I do that? My coffee date uses female pronouns even if it sometimes confuses others and has chosen to use T Gel to have some control over the effects of hormones and find out what feels and fits best. I wondered why I was so easily convinced to go for the injections instead of doing what I wanted, taking it slow. I know the gel would allow me to choose my pace but it is hard enough to remember to take my other medication on a daily basis. It’s an excuse and I know it, I should have been secure in myself to ask for the gel…

Anyhow back to being GQ and what it means. For me it is about not wanting to go from F to M, not minding my breasts and what’s between my legs, while not wanting male pronouns to used yet disliking female ones. GQ for me means being visible and challenging myself and others to always search for who we really are. I feel very much in-between genders yet quite feminine with partners. I will always be a little girl and don’t want to loose that part of me.

Still it is only an injection…

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