Seeking a connection

3 Apr

I just received another comment of support from a post I left on a trans* blog after I felt isolated and seeking anyone else out there who is genderqueer. Suddenly there are a handful of people for me to contact and chat to, one of which I felt a real connection to when reading their blog…

After finally receiving the ‘T’ letter and a referral to an endocrinologist , which isn’t until the beginning of May, I wished that I had spaced out my counselling to fit with actually starting ‘T’ and going through the various changes and emotions. I had spent so much effort in counselling before accessing a psych that I have almost used up my Medicare rebate, with only four sessions remaining. It is so hard to find a therapist who is trans* aware that the extra barrier of cost seems like an extra below, despite being able to at least afford a session once a month. I am holding off two months worth of therapy until I visit the endo – I have to make these final four sessions last!

Reading someone else’s blog I strongly identified when they were talking about already knowing what they want but wanting to be confident that they’re doing what they need to, not just indulging something optional or something that they could regret. I think this is where I am at – I am just not 100% sure (will I ever be?). At present I know I want to see if it is for me and take it from there. No pressure or expectations and taking it one day at a time, that is all I can do. One afternoon I sat down with my only family member here and tried explaining ‘genderqueer’ to them, trying to slide in the want to start ‘T’ but failing. Although they didn’t understand fully the genderqueer definition, for an 88 year old they understood sitting in the middle of male and female and it not being about sex or sexuality. I don’t know how they will handle my transition – if and when – but I’ve chosen not to stress over it until it happens.

Attending the Melbourne Queer Film Festival I saw one trans* film called ‘Romeos’ that left me in tears, upset and withdrawing from my loving partner. I still don’t know what it was that triggered it, but I often find this when I spend too much time around the trans* community or reading books with a trans* story, perhaps it is because I know my path isn’t from A to B but something a little more confusing and not straightforward. I don’t follow the common trans* ‘story’, I am not rushing towards get started on medical transition and I’ve felt comfortable in my skin so far. I wondered recently if I were alone from society and grew up on a desert island if I would have grown-up genderqueer or with a trans* identity…Am I therefore doing this because of pressures from society and the trans* community? I don’t feel like I can’t live without surgery or hormones, it is more that I want to see if this is the right pathway for me. At the moment I don’t feel like I need to pass, apart from work perhaps where things could become complex, I don’t necessarily mind being perceived as female but I would prefer if I could be seen as neither, or male (a non-binary identity).

For now I have my appointment to look towards, how I wish it was sooner…

EDIT: That time of the month and suddenly my mood swings become clear – I think I will miss this in some weird way.

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