I’ve gone back to half-a-dose of T every 3-4 weeks (depends on how busy I am) and want to ideally stay on this or lower. I’ve contemplated using the gel/cream but I am worried that I will start getting a monthly cycle again, and that’s the one reason I am staying on the injections. Being on a higher dose did make me less tired but it also made me realise how much hair I was loosing (correlation or not) and also questioning why I was staying on T almost two-years on. It is so hard not knowing what this stuff is doing to me now and what effect it will have on my future. I am really thankfull of friends who are in a similar position to me and the various blogs I follow. This has kind of given me a bit of idea however, maybe a way to collect this info and be able to share it with others.
Another reason why I cut down on the higher dose was vaginal dryness (yeah I know no-one wants to talk about it). This has spurred me to book myself in for a Pap-smear as I am slightly overdue and have not had one since I started taking T. A friend recommended trying a vaginal pessary or cream, so far I’ve only tried the latter and have to say it’s a bit mucky >.< I am not having sex at the moment so it isn’t something that affects me greatly, yet all my reading on the side-effects of testosterone are making me a bit more wary.
While I am trying to keep this journal space for my genderqueer thoughts it is sometimes hard to leave the rest of ‘me’ aside. Over the past few days I have felt less and less sure of who I am or where I want to be. This could be because aside from working, eating and sleeping I’ve had very little contact with friends face-to-face. On top of that I am recovering from a nasty flu-like virus, and on top of that I am dealing with some terrible family news that might take me overseas.
When ‘stuff’ happenes I am less likely to focus on my genderqueerness (if that makes sense). There is so much more to who I am on a day-to-day basis that sometimes my genderqueerness and need to stand up and be counted isn’t important anymore. On those days I am a human feeling lost, sad, angry, upset, exhausted, bored etc. I feel a little confused when this happens as it makes me wonder who on earth I am. I am not saying you need to be genderqueer all the time, but it’s amusing that some of my gender distress vanishes when much bigger stuff comes up (but of course I hear you say).
With all of this in my mind at the moment I am also wondering what my experience will be like if and when I travel overseas. Family and friends will notice a change. Will the aiport security question me a second longer when they see my facial hair? What about my T, how will I access it when I am overseas?