I have my first psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and suddenly I don’t feel so sure… I sat down and flicked through “Transitioning female-to-male in Australia: A guide for men, their families and service providers” by FTM Australia and found both reassurance and hesitation. Questions that pop up in my head are “Am I sure?”, “What if I am forced to change my name?”, “What if I am expected to be a man instead of gender queer (GQ)?”, “Do the benefits outweigh the negatives?”, “Will I be able to change my mind if I need and want to?” and many more…
I’ve heard rumours that this psychiatrist won’t accept a GQ/androgynous story, I’ll need to present as a male (no piercings, jewellery, male name and pronouns etc.), that as a ‘guy’ I’m expected to be attracted to women and not guys or trans*… All of this is so not me, but do I want to be honest and possibly risk access to hormones or do I spin the tale that so many have just to get what they want?
Unlike many of my trans* friends I’ve been quite private about my thoughts. Maybe some people suspect, but overall I’m still perceived as either a lesbian, genderqueer or just ‘me’. It is so hard to figure this out alone, and apart from the few forums I visit online, I don’t know many other individuals who identify as more GQ than trans/male. I know I will never grow up to be a man, that’s not what I want. I want the choice to be who I want to be, to explore the possibility and see if this is for me.
I guess I’ll just see how tomorrow goes first.