Not quite there yet

I feel exhausted from thinking too much. Since getting a referral letter to access ‘T’ I’ve stalled sending back my letter of consent – no longer sure if this is what I want. How can this uphill battle result in a retreat? I think I am scared…unsure of the outcome, side effects (both desired and unwanted), reactions of family, loss of a part of me, of
making a mistake. I’ve gone to bed and woken up several times with worry of if my family will notice the shall change, such as my voice, and what they will think…as yet they do not know.

I’ve kept a lot of this hidden while friends and acquaintances have started ‘T’ and had surgery. I am silent near them, feeling a mixture of jealousy and confusion. Everyone seems to know their path, me…I’m still finding out and exploring.

The other day I decided to send my consent form back because I was (a) scared of loosing my chance and (b) wanting to explore what this will mean for me. The psychiatrist asked what pronouns I would prefer and I said I wasn’t sure but went with ‘he’, not wanting to say ‘she’ in case that wasn’t the right answer. Today I was asked by someone about my preferred name and pronouns, this is after months of no-one asking or noticing. This time I was honest – I don’t mind female pronouns but would prefer gender neutral.

I don’t want to be a man. I am genderqueer. My experience on ‘T’ will be an experiment, question is am I willing to start?

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