Anxiety

16 May

I cannot remember what I have already said so apologiese for any repeats…

I went to see the endo almost two weeks ago and got my script for ‘T’, all I need to do is make an appointment with my doctor and get the script filled, but suddenly I am feeling anxious about the whole process. I’ve been reassured through a previous post that nothing is going to happen all at once, still I am feeling the possible loss of control and changes are making me pause before wanting to shove a needle into my butt. I am worrying mostly about how it is going to affect me emotionally, my current relationship and how I express myself. I am so used to the emotions one-week before my period and feeling vulnerable and being able to cry that I am already worried about loosing this way to express myself. Up until today I’ve been almost avoiding the whole topic with anyone, frustrated that no-one understands, doesn’t see it as a big issue or wanting to go ‘there’ with me. I am feeling a lot more settled within myself but some of the anxiety still lingers.

What if’s:
– what if it causes me to break-up with L?
– what if I can’t cry anymore?
– what if I don’t feel like I used to feel?
– what if I completely change?
– what if…

I am waiting to see my counsellor, but due to them being very busy I’m not able to see them until mid-June. I am weighing up the options:
– start the low-dose and just see how that goes
– wait until I can chat to my counsellor
– acknowledge my anxiety and admit ‘T’ isn’t for me

Another silly thought is if I choose to go on a low-dose should I pick a relatively quiet day and weekend so if I am feeling anxious or out of sorts I will have time to myself to just ‘be’.

 

On a completely different note I am noticing how many times people are using ‘she’ and other female pronouns to describe me. I am aware that not everyone isn’t up-to-date with my genderqueerness but I certainly expect more from someone who is trans* and has attended social/support groups with me. Just a few weeks ago at the last Genderqueer Australia coffee catch-up a trans* woman was trying to get me to admit that I was a lesbian. I got a little annoyed and had to hold my tongue and not say anything hurtful – thankfully I am well behaved.

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