Four weeks have passed with one week since my last T shot, which hurt a little. I didn’t feel as crap this time around and haven’t sprained any muscles playing sport, which is good. I don’t feel any different but I am feeling a little tired, unsure if this is T or work related.
I had another psych session on Saturday where I found out that it is ok to be genderqueer, as in the medical profession is slowly understanding that not everyone who identifies as trans* and/or who starts hormones will transition from one sex to another. In the session I talked about taking the next three months on hormones as a chance to explore what I am wanting from T and if I will continue on half-a-dose every three weeks or if I will move into a full-dose in two-months time. I didn’t really feel there was anything else to talk about as I hadn’t noted any changes that were significant enough and/or causing me distress.
Later that day I went to the website launch of Genderqueer Australia where I was able to talk to a friend about starting T (I haven’t really told that many people). I was excited telling people but at the same time I was a little reluctant, like this was my secret and I didn’t want everyone to know. Everyone was so supportive and for once in a long time I felt that I didn’t have to go through this alone. What has just popped into my mind now however is that I don’t want to suddenly fall into the ‘bois club’ and forget everyone else who I call friend – genderqueer, trans woman, queer etc.
Someone said my voice sounded different, I’ve noticed this too. It’s scratchy and sometimes it’s a little deeper that how I normally sound. No one else has said anything but I am keen to see who else notices. On the down-side a week after my last T shot I’ve started bleeding again, perhaps it’s hormone related as there is no way I could have another period in a month. Rumour has it that T doesn’t really start to affect one’s sex-drive until you start a full-dose, so I guess I’ll have to wait for the raging drive to fuck everything in site! Sex and masturbation is certainly more enjoyable, not that it wasn’t before, but it’s now more…better? On the flip side however I am little reluctant about pursuing a sexual open relationship while my body shifts – how would others view it and would they accept me? I am off to see my counsellor tomorrow so perhaps I could find space to talk about that as well as how I deal with my emotions and thoughts on T.
Today however another odd thought popped up in my head – once I settle into my genderqueerness and what I want from T would it be silly for me to still daydream about a white wedding? It sounds odd doesn’t it but there is a small part of me that still daydreams about “Once upon a time” and a fairytale wedding. My current partner happily plays along with my fantasy and is quite happy being my prince charming, but what about when/if my voice drops and I pass more as a guy? Do I want to go that far so I am no longer seen as female or will I try to hold onto the ‘in-between’?