Should I come out?

6 Dec

I am feeling really tired and I find myaself at work wishing I was at home, in bed, sleeping. But instead I have just over two-hours to go before I can jump in my car are make the drive towards my pillow.

I currently play on an all-girls queer sporting team with mostly lesbian cis-women and only one person on the team knowing I started T. Last night over dinner and drinks with a genderqueer (GQ) friend I questioned whether I should ‘come out’ to the team about my genderqueerness and having started hormones. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything for fear of loosing the once-a-week game and exercise, while my other half knows it is the right thing to do incase it starts becoming more noticable. I didn’t however consider that I might have to tell them because I am at a slight unfair advantage  being on testosterone and competing against other people who aren’t. I don’t thing the sporting team and/or association will be able to give me a clear answer wheather I can/can’t continue to play and if I can stay on an all female-team rather than a mixed one. Thinking about joining a mixed team poses more issues because most teams require a minimum number of guys and girls, which would possibly leave me in a nowehere zone. How long can I continue to play on an all-girls team while I am on T? More to come!

My gran noticed my facial hair last week and half squeeked with delight and then murmmured of what people would think if I chose to let it grow. I ignored it and said I was happy with it so far and that I didn’t really care what other people thought. Today she brought attention back to it and asked if I was happy now that I was getting close to who I want to be. I should have been happy but instead I found myself wanting to change subject and not talk about it. I am not sure what this is about – being unsure, embarrassed, tired of explaining… She outed me to a cousin a few weeks ago. I wasn’t there but she told me afterwards that she had mentioned it to him, thinking I would want him to know, that it would bring us closer and allow them to know the ‘real’ me. I was never close with that cousin so I am not stressed if he ignores me, however I really don’t want it then spreading to other people. On that note very few of my non-trans* and GQ friends know that I have started T. At the moment I’ve been ignoring and not making a big fuss of the comments about my facial hair, lower voive and sounding like I have a cold, but it is going to come out eventually and I don’t want people to feel hurt or lied to. It is not that big of a deal, yet it is…

A few weeks ago an unrelated question from a workmate caused me to wonder how people see me and if and when I should tell people. The training idea for staff members seems like a big deal if I am not transitioning per se, yet I might have to explain to a few in due course. Another person who works in the same organisation as me, but in a different sector, has been chatting to me via email and occasionally in the corridor. They were the one who asked the other work collegue to ask if I was in a relationship – do they see me as a lesbian/female/queer/trans*/genderqueer? I guess it doesn’t matter yet I want to know and they might be one of the safer options to try my “Hi I am genderqueer!” routine on.

I have another T shot tomorrow, starting half-a-dose every two weeks to see if it raises my T levels and to see if my voice stabilizes. I was quite happy on a shot every three weeks but I did on occasion have some anxiety and my last blood test showed my testosterone levels where lower than the previous three-month test. I’ll report in a weeks time with an update on what I notice.

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