Questioning T

24 Jun

I missed the first FTM Shed gathering yesterday because I am still trying to get over my cold and was exhausted after attempting to walk around South Yarra, Prahan and Windsor. There was also a part of me that wasn’t too sure about going as I don’t identify as FTM or masculine identified. I wanted to go because I wanted to find someone else like me, but as I scrolled through the Facebook event list I saw ‘guys’ and ‘men’. I still don’t feel like one of the group and I think I never will be. I didn’t sign-up for hormones because I wanted to belong to a community, but I guess it would have been nice. Well there is always the next one…

Two-weeks ago I took a week off work, which meant I had three days off. What was supposed to be a relaxing week turned out to reveal that I was in fact burning out and was feeling a little low. I needed to withdraw from everything and everyone in order to feel stable again. I don’t feel I am quite there yet but the time off, plus last week when I had a cold, has given me enough energy to battle on. The reason why I mention this here is that it affected how I see my genderqueerness and how I related to it as well.

Over the past two months, where a lot happened, I gradually felt myself decline. I complained that I was constantly tired, couldn’t sleep well and found it hard to concentrate. During that time I also didn’t feel like I was ‘me’, meaning that my gender/genderqueerness was of no importance when needed to survive seemed to overwhelm me. I was a little confused when I realized this – was my identity and taking T even important anymore? I missed T shots, was overdue for others and thought “why do I both?” when I did. I am still struggling a little and still have the questions of “why is this so important?” when it is so easy to put it on the back burner?

Before going to bed last night I noticed that two-weeks of facial hair growth was obvious enough to me to have to do something about it. Annoyance mixed with disgust battled for attention as I took my hair clippers to my chin and sideburns. I was worried what people at work would think of a ‘chick’ with tits having facial hair. In my mind I was worried that facial hair wasn’t for me – unwanted side effects of T. I knew I would get facial hair, I got excited about it, I didn’t mind it, but now that I am getting a beard I am wondering if this is it? There is a lot more I could explore, like do I have an stopping point or what other changes am I wanting, what would I do if I continue and grow a beard? All questions asked of me pre-T, but I couldn’t answer because I had no experience. I wonder how many other people ask these questions of themselves…

I can say what I am happy with and what I want: deeper voice, some facial hair, no menstruation, being seen as more masculine, increased sex drive… I wonder if I can cope with the hair growth stuff? I mean, that seems to be the only thing really making me question taking T at the moment, but what is a bit of facial hair!?

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