Friendships and Sex

19 Apr

A couple of weeks ago I put a entry into an FTM group on Livejournal about feeling isolated and not knowing anyone who identifies as genderqueer to talk to. I received quite a few replies and from them I found someone online who sounds like they have had similar experiences around their genderqueerness. I also met two other people locally who offered to catch-up, one of which I got to have coffee with in the city last week. The coffee catch-up made me feel a lot less alone in my transness and I really felt that someone else was out there who didn’t quite fit into the FTM label. I don’t feel I fot into trans* men who want to pass as men – I know that I will always be queer and don’t envision myself growing up into a manly man. Yay!!! This person, M, reassured me that I can do what feels comfortable for me as well as stopping when I want – if I am unhappy with hair growth I could always have electrolysis…

It is another two weeks until I get to see the endo and while I know that it isn’t urgent for me I feel the wait to be excruciatingly long as well as the possibility that I will have a further wait to possibly access ‘T’ *sigh*. Binding is very uncomfortable when my back is sore, maybe this is because I got a super-binder that is like a triple layer with extra compression. I back to being ‘in the middle’, I am not quite sure how to explain this feeling, it’s like I fluctuate between really wanting to transition and thinking that I will be ok and should just let things be. I cannot wait to just get on ‘T’ so I can see how my emotions settle (or don’t). I am stressing out a little about my r’ship as well and if it will change once I start hormones. I have already found that I am slightly addicted to porn, in particular watching guys masturbate. What if I am suddenly attracted to only guys and end up needing to fulfill myself sexually with men!? To add some background I’ve never had sex with a guy or even had a relationship with one. I’ve never been attracted to men but do find some trans* guys and women attractive. My partner and I have discussed open relationships, but it is one thing talking about it and another doing it. Trouble is I would be shit scared having sex with a guy (even though my partner offered to hire someone) – if it ever happens some alcohol may have to be involved (and someone to hold my hand).

I’ve been reading heaps of trans stuff too, which always throws my moods out a little bit. I get too caught up in the story and imagery and find myself craving what I haven’t yet got. On the upside it allows me an escape that I’ve not had in ages, music and books are a staple of my diet. Yesterday while wandering around the city I had my first toilet incident/passing as male when two guys followed me into the female toilets – the looks on their faces was priceless! On the other hand while listening to one of my calls that was flagged at work I cringed at the sound of my female voice and sounding like my nan. However I have to say that my workplace has been a positive experience as all my emails are gender neutral and I’ve not needed to list my gender in my employment details. What a shame my bank can’t change my ‘Ms’ to ‘Mr’ or something else *sigh*.

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