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Questioning T

24 Jun

I missed the first FTM Shed gathering yesterday because I am still trying to get over my cold and was exhausted after attempting to walk around South Yarra, Prahan and Windsor. There was also a part of me that wasn’t too sure about going as I don’t identify as FTM or masculine identified. I wanted to go because I wanted to find someone else like me, but as I scrolled through the Facebook event list I saw ‘guys’ and ‘men’. I still don’t feel like one of the group and I think I never will be. I didn’t sign-up for hormones because I wanted to belong to a community, but I guess it would have been nice. Well there is always the next one…

Two-weeks ago I took a week off work, which meant I had three days off. What was supposed to be a relaxing week turned out to reveal that I was in fact burning out and was feeling a little low. I needed to withdraw from everything and everyone in order to feel stable again. I don’t feel I am quite there yet but the time off, plus last week when I had a cold, has given me enough energy to battle on. The reason why I mention this here is that it affected how I see my genderqueerness and how I related to it as well.

Over the past two months, where a lot happened, I gradually felt myself decline. I complained that I was constantly tired, couldn’t sleep well and found it hard to concentrate. During that time I also didn’t feel like I was ‘me’, meaning that my gender/genderqueerness was of no importance when needed to survive seemed to overwhelm me. I was a little confused when I realized this – was my identity and taking T even important anymore? I missed T shots, was overdue for others and thought “why do I both?” when I did. I am still struggling a little and still have the questions of “why is this so important?” when it is so easy to put it on the back burner?

Before going to bed last night I noticed that two-weeks of facial hair growth was obvious enough to me to have to do something about it. Annoyance mixed with disgust battled for attention as I took my hair clippers to my chin and sideburns. I was worried what people at work would think of a ‘chick’ with tits having facial hair. In my mind I was worried that facial hair wasn’t for me – unwanted side effects of T. I knew I would get facial hair, I got excited about it, I didn’t mind it, but now that I am getting a beard I am wondering if this is it? There is a lot more I could explore, like do I have an stopping point or what other changes am I wanting, what would I do if I continue and grow a beard? All questions asked of me pre-T, but I couldn’t answer because I had no experience. I wonder how many other people ask these questions of themselves…

I can say what I am happy with and what I want: deeper voice, some facial hair, no menstruation, being seen as more masculine, increased sex drive… I wonder if I can cope with the hair growth stuff? I mean, that seems to be the only thing really making me question taking T at the moment, but what is a bit of facial hair!?

T update

22 May

I am still on half a dose of Primoteston Depot 250 (injection) every 2-3 weeks.

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Period cramps and noticing

15 Feb

Tomorrow I am getting another shot, I am going on a fortnightly basis and am still on half a dose. The last visit I felt quite crampy after my shot, maybe a couple of hours afterwards, like I had period pains. I took some pain relief, which didn’t help, and messages a few friends about their experiences of period cramp-like symptoms and T. After a brief panic I rationalised that cramps are something I had had many times before and that as long as it stayed at ‘just’ cramps and I didn’t get an actual period I could cope. Still I couldn’t help but wonder why…was my body trying to fight the T or was there something else going on that I should get checked out? Anyhow I will have a chat to the doctor tomorrow and see what he says.



28 Nov

I will be starting fortnightly injections next Friday. It is a trial to see if I feel more stable and also to see how my body reacts. Thinking about it now I am not quite sure why I am doing it. Maybe it was because my last blood results showed my T levels had dropped and I also reported that I had some anxiousness during my third week. Only time will tell!

There is another counselling appointment tonight and then a psych one next Saturday. I find the counselling very helpful as I have space to talk, not just about gender and trans* issues, but also about my anxiety. The psych appointment seems to be more about him and/or the process. I don’t find it useful and I often find myself needing to think of content that I have already resolved.

Yesterday evening while playing netball a friend noticed my facial fuzz/hair, they know about my starting T, while another commented on my voice being croaky, this one isn’t aware of me. I am managing to mostly skim over these comments but I am wondering when they will be unavoidable. I’m already noticing that I am getting tiny hairs on my shoulders and around my nipples, while my facial fuzz continues to spread and is now causing a few pimples. I am plucking for the time being until I am needing to take action with a razor or hot wax! My voice continues to fluctuate but hasn’t settled as yet, which I don’t mind. A friend told me while ago, after one of my T shots, that I needed to drop my voice so it isn’t so squeeky. For one I had no awareness it sounded so obvious, secondly I was hurt that her didn’t get that I am not wanting to sound ‘manly’ or ‘pass’. I am happy as I am!

I’ve not contacted the training coordinator at work yet, mostly because I am a little lazy, but also because I am not sure if I want to go ahead. Yetsrday changed my thoughts on that a little though. I was approached by one of the counselling managers who had a question to ask me. My heart jumped into my throat and I panicked that he was going to ask me if I was trans*. The question was something else entirely though so disaster averted. I wonder however what I would have said if that was the question?

Worried about T

11 Oct

I’m exhausted from stressing out about a million things, one of which being T and transitioning. My voice is continuing to change, drop and squeek (especially when I sing), while my facial fuzz is becoming more and more obvious to others. I’ve contemplated shaving, depilatory cream and growing it out – haven’t decided on which though. I don’t bind anymore even though I would like to, the main reason being because I would like a non-surgical flat chest, but headaches and being uncomfortable aren’t not worth it. I saw my counsellor yesterday who asked how I would feel if by next summer I couldn’t pass as female anymore. I’ve not been thinking that far along, assuming it would all be ok or that I wouldn’t need to think about it. But I guess that raises the question of how far is too far?